A passive-aggressive boss handles communication in very indirect ways. Your job performance, self-confidence, and work environment can feel constrained when staring into a stone-faced manager who doesn’t provide any feedback or pretends to agree with you only to cut you down behind your back. When you discover your boss is working against you behind the scenes, the violation seems much worse than if he or she yelled at you directly. We don’t popularize the passive-aggressive boss as much as the bully but the tactics are similar. This type of manager believes that guarding information and reactions as a control mechanism is more effective with staff than authenticity and transparency.
Fortunately, the communication plan to address this management style lends itself to handling difficult or abrasive management styles as well. Several experts provide their views on what you can do to be more effective with this management style and feel more in control of you and your job.
Effectiveness Coach Laura Rose says, “The catalyst for both a “passive aggressive” boss and a “bully” boss is insecurity. If you effectively communicate your intentions toward a Win/Win/Win solution (keeping the shared goals in focus) and keep your integrity toward a team solution, the insecurities of someone else will have a minimum impact on your individual principles, values and performance.”
Kevin Kruse, author of We: How to Increase Performance and Profits Through Full Engagement offers a very novel approach. “Be a secret coach to your boss. If your boss is saying things to you about other team members when they aren’t in the room, don’t let it go. A quick comment like, “Have you told him that?” or “Maybe you should talk to her about that?” will at least bring attention to the behavior.” This sentiment is echoed by IdeAgency founder Michael Brenner, “Be respectful but firm. Use facts, not emotion. Give your boss a chance to clarify the situation as he or she sees it.”
Roy Cohen, Career Coach and author of, The Wall Street Professional’s Survival Guide, has this to say about passive-aggressive boss types. “Offer to take on special projects, don’t disagree with him or her- and never in public, and tell people outside the department how much you enjoy working for him or her. Your evangelism is bound to get back to your manager. It is also essential that you identify and cultivate relationships with key people – decision makers – in departments outside and above your own.”
All approaches to changing how you communicate with someone at work who is passive-aggressive whether your boss or peer requires honing interpersonal skills that are right for you and the situation. There is no one-size fits all solution rather there are patterns you observe and incremental efforts you make that add up to the toolkit you use to modify, fix, or leave various situations.
In fact, leaving sometimes is the best option and as entrepreneur Greg Miliates believes, “Take personal responsibility and empower yourself to make things better through specific, actionable steps to move yourself toward what you want.”
Kathi Elster, Executive Coach and co-author of Working with You Is Killing Me and Working for You Isn’t Working for Me aptly states, “A passive aggressive boss will never change completely, but once he or she realizes that you are on to this behavior, it can get under control for a while, but it’s best to move on if you can.”
So, the answer to dealing with your passive-aggressive boss essentially comes down to you – what you are willing to do to change the relationship and the way you focus your energy in terms of seeing a change in your environment. Or alternatively, you spend your energy looking for internal or external job opportunities. The solution isn’t easy or one that should be taken in haste. Regardless of the path you take, strategy plays a big role in maneuvering through disruptive behaviors at work.
Tony Deblauwe is a Workplace Expert and founder of consulting firm, HR4Change. He is the author of the best-selling and award-winning book on dealing with difficult bosses called Tangling with Tyrants: Managing the Balance of Power at Work. He is a regular contributor to career social networks sites including Brazen Careerist, TrackAhead, StopStressingNow, TheCareerEffect, and has been quoted in CareerBuilder, TheLadders, and SmartMoney. Tony is based in Silicon Valley and can be contacted at info@hr4change.com.
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