If you’re like me, and like my clients, and like pretty much everyone that I know, there are actions and ideas that you are resisting in your life. You hate your job, but you’re not starting the job search because it’s hard work and you’re already tired and busy. Your teenage son or daughter is asking a lot of questions, but you’re not talking about dating, relationships and sex because it’s awkward and difficult. You want to take a class, but you’re afraid your spouse will get angry that you won’t be around, so you don’t bring it up and you “keep the peace.”
In the short term, this kinda works for you, since you get to avoid some potentially unpleasant situations. The problem is that you are biting back anger, or fear, or sadness. It takes a lot of energy to hold back these emotions, and that makes us tired and grumpy. Perhaps you find some (probably dysfunctional) coping mechanism for dealing with it, but that will only work for so long, and will cause problems of its own. Sooner or later, the dam will burst and all of those emotions will pour out, probably NOT under the best of circumstances, and you’ll have an even bigger mess to clean up. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so.
Sometimes we resist doing something we really want to do, for fear of failure, or fear of being different. Sometimes we resist it because if we succeed, we’ll be mad at ourselves for not doing sooner, so we don’t do it at all (how crazy is THAT?!?) Sometimes it just feels so big we can’t imagine taking the first step. Writing a book starts with a simple step, maybe creating an outline, or even just writing, to see where it goes. Sometimes we resist telling the people we hold dear that we love them, for fear our love won’t be reciprocated, or we may be hurt. This may have even happened to us before, so we resist.
So, ask yourself, what are you resisting? What are you avoiding? What are you denying? Look at yourself, and your situation. What do you want to do here? What needs to be done? On your deathbed, what will you wish you had done in this situation? Resisting our emotions takes a lot of energy; energy that could have been spent productively, passionately, on making our world a better place. Remember, emotion is just that, it’s just a feeling. No matter how scared, angry, sad or ashamed you feel, that feeling won’t kill you, and it will pass if you face it head on. Feel the emotion fully, then make the choice you think is best, and accept the result. Risky? Of course, but the risks of action are usually far less than the risks of resistance and inaction. Live big, love big, face your challenges and embrace them. Live without resistance.
David Kaiser, PhD, ACC, is Executive Coach to Extraordinary Leaders and CEO of Dark Matter Consulting (www.DarkMatterConsulting.com). Get a free white paper "Four Unusual Steps to Better Time Management" by clicking here: http://bit.ly/nSwkl4
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